April 1, 2009

A sign of the times

This guy has a great sense of humor :) 

An auction at E-Bay passing on the enhanced severance package ;)

I humbly offer this auction as a supplement to the current severance package being offered to Nortel employees, a group which I now get to include myself in.  How can I possibly top what's being offered?  It sure wasn't easy, but ‘I believe’  I've done it.  While I can't come close to what's available for the KEIP, KERP, or the newly proposed and approved ESAP planned for VP level and above, what I'm offering is literally tens of thousands of times better than what is provided to the masses of employees that have made it to these final rounds.
This package includes the following items collected largely from Nortel over 17 years of service (subject to change depending on expected Grinch-like behavior from former management; like items will be substituted if reclamation occurs).
A box. This sturdy 16”x12”x8” box was at one time filled with dreams and unrealized potential. Just like me, you can use this to clear out your personal belongings in 4 hours or less, and later to store mounting unpaid bills as you search for employment in this vibrant economy. In a pinch, you can put it over your head to keep off rain, make “will work for food” signage, or kindle fires in trash bins in back alleys to keep your hands toasty warm. The possibilities are endless. Truly Business Made Simple.
Badge clip. Once used to hold my photo ID badge, it can now be used to keep a loaf of day-old bread sealed and edible longer or your nostrils closed as you read the daily accounts of the AIG-inspired bonus plans for the same executives that executed flawlessly on a 3-5 year turnaround plan and brought us safely to rest on Chapter 11 Island.

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Business Made Simple, Pride In Wireless / The 3+ Club, and “>THIS IS THE WAY >THIS IS NORTEL” mouse pads. These nearly indestructible, unrecyclable, non-biodegradable rectangles can be used as actual mouse pads while performing job searches at your public library, or knee pads while either begging for jobs or performing household chores. First pad features the clever industry catch-phrase ‘hyperconnectivity’, a disease that hopefully will be eradicated in our lifetime.
Brick of eSee tac note papers with Nortel Networks, “How the world shares ideas.” imprinted on the sides along with a now-defunct internal URL on each page. Great for writing IOUs to creditors and a simple source of dietary fiber when stretching meals.
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5 year service coin clock. This handsome award can be re-gifted for generations to come. Unlike our executives, this Birks collectible features hands that do meaningful work. While the hands unfortunately will not wave wildly and seemingly uncontrollably like a certain CEO during employee updates or earnings reports, the upside is that if you were to somehow shake them, you wouldn’t have to wash your hands immediately afterwards either. The clock also features glow-in-the-dark hour and minute hands that help you keep track of just how much sleep you’ve lost through the night worrying about the affairs of the day to come.  The alarm works, but if you're like me, you won't be needing that either.
NT hands-free headset. Retrieved from a trash bin during a daring personal Own It! rescue and repaired by the seller, this wonderful device allows your hands to be free to direct family members out of the room while fielding the countless barrage of calls from head hunters. Why, oh why, won't they stop calling?  Features adjustable slide controls for introducing the precise amount of static desired during phone conversations (factory condition).
Nortel Severed Employee’s Enhanced Healthcare package. Everything you’ll need to keep you and your family fit as a fiddle until you can get denied for pre-existing conditions when you do find gainful employment years from now. Contains 500 ibuprofen caplets, a generous supply of band-aids in a protective Medco health band-aid holder, and 300 multi-vitamins. Here’s to your health!

Plus, if the auction closes before Nortel files for chapter 7, the winning bidder will also get these fine Business Transforming bonus items:
BIG bonus #1: A Nortel calculator. If this could have been utilized while performing the numerous restated earnings reports, there may have been money left over for even more executive bonuses, the continued lease of an executive jet, and employee severance packages. Well, at least the first two anyway.
BIG bonus #2: A Swingline 737 stapler (not to be confused with the inferior 736 or slightly superior 738). This stapler saw me through thick and thin, never complaining about its workload or wanting extra time off, and never once did it jam up while applying cover sheets to countless TPS reports. I got the memo, and I’m going to miss you, buddy.
BIG bonus #3: a sealed pad of NORTEL paper, name tent, name badge, marker and pen. Oh, the fun we had with these babies, learning the whiles of LEAN Six Sigma and how we could improve the invoicing and accounts receivable for a fictitious company then apply it directly to the interworking of a deeply layered, process entrenched, dysfunctional software company with siloed, multi-site and outsourced-to-the-lowest-bidder ownership. It was GEnious.  This Is The Way we saved TONS of money.
BIG bonus #4: a DVD copy of the Nortel ‘Downfall’ viral youtube videos. In this 10 chapter installment, which will likely grow before the auction concludes, you’ll get to peer inside the executive panic rooms in what must surely be the conversations of our selfless leaders, spending every waking moment strategically planning how to sacrifice their own salaries and perks to contribute to our heroic exit strategy from chapter 11. Ok, I made that last aprt up.  Nevertheless, you’ll get to enjoy watching this over and over again with your family right up until the point that your utilities are shut off, your belongings are confiscated and your house is foreclosed upon.
Buy it now – it’s an investment your family will thank you for. At least you’ll have this Nortel Enhanced Severance Package to keep you going.   With the exception of the box, all other items will be carefully protected in recycled Z mails, including a guest email of encouragement dated December 10, 2008 from our Corporate Marketing and Communications against a certain WSJ article.  That particular email bolstered our collective spirits when we all needed it the most.  Just don’t uncrumple and read any of them until you’ve allowed adequate time for your last meal to digest – fair warning.
Thank you for all that you are doing for this former Team Nortel member. Sleep soundly in knowing that none of the proceeds will go to any member of the ELT or SLT at Nortel. If you are the winning bidder, I promise, not only will you receive the package, you'll get to keep it as well!

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