Memories of Death

Zachary Scott-Singley was a sergeant in the 3rd Infantry Division, stationed in Tikrit, Iraq. Here are some excerpts from his blog - A Soldier'sThoughts, which I heard about through reading The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2006, ed. by Dave Eggers.

Some excerpts:

MEMORIES OF DEATH - April 29, 2005

There is good out there even though at times it all seems bleak. There is also Death. How many have dealt in death? Some would call it murder. Well, I have a confession to make, my platoon and I have had over 192 confirmed kills during our first deployment here (during the war on our way to capture Baghdad). We targeted people and then they just disappeared. Why? They were going to kill me. I had my orders and they had theirs. We were mortal enemies because we were told that we were. There are some who would tell me to not think about what I had to do, or it will drive you insane. For me however, I can't help but think about it......
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.....more here

and this one reproduced here in full..

Our Walk Through Life - October 27, 2005

What is the human condition? Here in Iraq we fight terrorists and insurgents. We give them names (haji, towel head, rag head) to peal away their humanity. We focus only on the horrible things that have happened so that we can bring ourselves to kill, but in doing so we too become changed. No longer do we fit in when we get home. We become outsiders and misfits amongst our own families and distance ourselves as others too distance themselves from us.

Alone, it becomes easier with time to be that way. You can't let others know the things you have done because they would never understand and it would only serve to make us even more alone.

We must build as well; we become so proficient at building that we could be engineers. Walls are our specialty, so we build them thick and high around ourselves. Theses walls shut out all the pain and hurt we feel when others can't seem to understand why we are the way we are, or when they judge and condemn us as if they were God Himself. The walls don't just keep those things out, but they serve to keep so much in as well. All of it, the guilt, the pain, and the fears we have can be kept deep inside where nobody will have to see them except ourselves.

That is ok though, because from there we can learn one last and important skill, that of the beast tamer. Like a monster everything we keep inside locked away can take on a mind of its own creating even more pain. Some of us fall apart at this point, hitting the ground so hard that we decide we can not get up and so it ends.

The rest of us learn tricks to keep that beast inside so that nobody will ever have to see how much of a monster we have become. In doing so we can continue our walk through life. That is the soldier's cost of war, and it is ours to bear alone until the end.

All I read was the two posts I mention here...the facts are too disturbing to read more. But imagine - some people cannot escape this madness because this is their life now. You and I have the luxury to moving on to the next website or not read the newspaper or flip the TV channel whenever horrible news from Iraq keeps filtering in day after day... but for many, both in Iraq & in the US, the war is a reality that they will suffer through all their lives. And all this for what?